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North Salt Lake, Utah, United States
I'm a woman with degrees in creative writing and cultural anthropology, experience in retail sales, merchant processing, teaching English as a foreign language, and archaeology, who teaches writing and computer classes at a local college, and works for a herpetology society. I also like to read, cook, knit, watch movies, make baskets, take photographs, craft, travel, and blog. I currently live in Utah with my husband, T, and our two dogs. Oh, and I'm a Cancer, which explains the crab thing.

Friday, July 19, 2013

How to Get a Baby to Sleep

1. Start with a baby who has just eaten.  This will make her full and sleepy, which should make the process go easier.

2. Burp the sleepy baby.  If you are lucky, she will stay asleep while you are burping her.

3. Before putting her to bed, you will need to change the baby's diaper, and possibly put her into pajamas.  This will piss her off, making sure that she is wide awake and unhappy, negating the effects of a full belly.

4. Swaddle the crying baby tightly in a blanket to make her feel snug and secure.  This should help her calm down again

5.  Proceed to the Established Sleep Inducing Area, in our case, the reclining rocker loveseat that is upstairs.  It is best to have the blinds closed and the lights off, but make sure there is a nightlight that sheds just enough light to tell if her eyes are open or closed.

6.  Determine which Body Position the baby is most amenable to at this point in time.  While having her lie on her back with her head in the crook of your arm, with your elbow supported by the armrest, is the most comfortable position for you, she will most likely want to be upright, with her ear against your chest.  This position is very sweet, but without any support, your arm will tire out quickly.  Whichever position she chooses, ensure that you can see her face.

7.  Determine which Soothing Motion the baby currently prefers: rocking, patting, bouncing, or a combination of those.  Again, while rocking is the easiest on you, she will probably want to be bounced, which guarantees your unsupported arm will be cramping up very quickly.

8.  Insert the World's Best Pacifier, aka your left index finger, into the baby's mouth.  Be sure to have it inverted, with the pad tucked against the roof of her mouth, for maximum effect.

9.  With the baby in her preferred Body Position, and the World's Best Pacifier in place, maintain a steady rhythm of Soothing Motion while watching for her eyes to close.  You will see the lids begin to droop, and eventually they will close all the way. 

10.  As soon as they close the first time, they will pop wide open again.  This will be repeated at least a few dozen times.  At least half a dozen times, the eyes popping open will be accompanied by squirming, spitting out the World's Best Pacifier, and/or crying.  The squirming will completely undo the swaddling blanket, and the baby reserves the right to suddenly change her choice of preferred Body Position and Soothing Motion at any time, without prior notice, so repeat steps 4-8 as needed.  In serious cases of crying, you may leave the Established Sleep Inducing Area to pace with her until she has calmed back down enough to proceed with step 4.

11.  You may try to lead by example, allowing your own eyes to slowly droop and eventually close completely.  However, I guarantee that they will also suddenly pop open again when you realize you are accidentally falling asleep and might drop the baby, and hers will still be wide open when they do.

12.  Eventually, you will see her eyes close completely and stay closed.  Wait at least 30 seconds without changing anything to be sure she is actually asleep -- 60 to 90 seconds is even better.

13.  Once a long enough period of closed eyes has been established, begin to think about removing the World's Best Pacifier, without changing anything else.  Sucking may actually increase just after the eyes close, so wait until there is a minimum of 15 seconds between sucks, and remove the Pacifier between sucks for best results.  If the eyes pop open again once the Pacifier is removed, return to step 4.

14.  Once the World's Best Pacifier has been successfully removed, maintain Soothing Motion for at least 60 seconds.  If the eyes remain shut, attempt cessation of the Soothing Movement, without changing Body Position.  If the eyes pop open when the Soothing Movement stops, return to step 4.

15.  If the eyes remain shut for 60 seconds without the World's Best Pacifier and Soothing Movement, then you can think about putting her into the Approved Sleeping Place, namely her bassinet, which is in the next room.

16.  There are two tricky transitions that you now need to make: your transition from Sitting to Standing, and her transition from Vertical to Horizontal.  Begin by maintaining her Body Position as much as possible, as you gently stand up.  Make sure you have one hand under her head, and one under her butt before attempting the Sitting to Standing maneuver. 

17.  If you make it to Standing with the eyes still closed, proceed slowly and gently towards the Approved Sleeping Place.  You will need to pass through the Sleeping Dog Obstacle Course to get there.  This obstacle course will change nightly, so be alert.

18.  Once you have successfully navigated the Obstacle Course and you are standing next to the Approved Sleeping Place, you need to manage her Vertical to Horizontal transition.  Support the head and butt as you maneuver her into a horizontal position.  If you screw up this transition, you will need to return to step 4.

19.  Place her gently in the bassinet, placing the butt down first, then her head.  Slip your hands out from under her, then wait 60 seconds to ensure that the eyes don't pop open again.  If the eyes do pop open, you may be able to get her back to sleep in the bassinet by deploying an Emergency World's Best Pacifier, with optional Soothing Pats.  But you'll probably have to return to step 4.

20.  If the eyes stay closed, feel free to crawl into bed next to her bassinet.  She will be sure to let you know when her eyes pop open again.  Repeat procedure every 2-4 hours.

Total Time: 45-90 minutes
Yield: 1 sleeping baby

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