I remember reporters asking the couple, on the day they announced their engagement in November of 2010, about whether or not they would have kids. I remember that Kate quickly looked down and away, while Prince William fielded the first question, and my heart just broke for her. As the interview continued, she said something about hoping they would have a large family, and I imagined that she was thinking the exact same thing that I was.
T and I had gotten married in June, and people immediately started asking us about kids. I was 35 and while T and I had always talked about having kids, I was worried that it might not be possible for me to get pregnant. While Kate was only 28, I imagined that she had the exact same fears as I did, especially considering the weight of an entire nation expecting her to produce a royal heir.
Then the waiting game began. For both of us. Once they had been married, tabloids were constantly looking to see if Kate was drinking water instead of wine, holding something in front of her tummy to hide it, any sign they could imagine of a secret pregnancy. We couldn't start trying right away, because we had decided on a scuba diving honeymoon in February 2011, and you can't dive if you're pregnant. Then they day after we got back, I was laid off from my job, and our plans were put on hold again. In the shock of my layoff, we missed the COBRA window, and had to wait another year before I could be added to T's health insurance. Even when I found a new job, it was part-time, with no benefits. And then, very fortunately, in October of 2011, T got a new job with good healthcare benefits, we were both on his insurance right away, and we could get started.
Almost. Since I had been using an IUD, I had to wait two months after it was out before we could have unprotected sex, just in case. A friend had started just a few months before us, and she got pregnant with her third child quickly. I thought, ok, in 2-3 months, we'll be all set.
But we weren't. Every 28 days, like clockwork, there was my period again. Once we hit the 6 month mark, we went back to the doctor. They did a bunch of tests, mostly on me (T got to have some fun with a little cup), and while there was some concern about the shape of my uterus for a little while, we both passed every single test they did with flying colors. I finally had a conversation with a nurse, as she gave me my last set of test results over the phone, where she said once again all of the numbers said I was very fertile. I asked, if that was the case, then why wasn't I pregnant yet? She said there was a possibility that we were dealing with "unexplained infertility," and that I should make an appointment to meet with the doctor and see what would come next.
Was Kate going through all this at the same time as me? I don't know. Listening to an announcer this morning on the news, he theorized that Will and Kate intentionally waited until the Queen's Diamond Jubilee was out of the way, and then until the home they will be moving into in April was in good shape. But he made it sound like getting pregnant is the equivalent of turning on a light switch -- and, as you can tell, it's not always that easy. Perhaps they were waiting, maybe they were also counting days and using ovulations kits, or perhaps she was going through some of the same tests as me, wondering if she was ever going to have the child that a whole country was waiting for.
Faced with "unexplained infertility," I started to prepare for the worst. T and I had given ourselves a year to get pregnant, and then we were going to assume that the Universe didn't want us to have kids. We only had 2 or 3 months left on that deadline. So I started mentally preparing for it to be just the two of us, and the two dogs, from here on out.
And then my period didn't come. And when I peed on a stick, two lines appeared. I called the doctor, who said the pee stick was proof enough, and set up a 10-week prenatal appointment. This didn't seem like enough proof, so I peed on a second stick, just to be sure. And then came the weeks of trying to convince myself that I was really pregnant. I didn't have any morning sickness, just felt extra hungry and tired, and couldn't tell anyone yet, because we wanted to tell my family in person when we were going to see them at Thanksgiving. We did get to see an ultrasound at the first visit, but it was just a little blob with a flickering heartbeat. We couldn't even hear the heartbeat, because of its position. It still wasn't quite real.
We flew to North Carolina for Thanksgiving, and finally told my mom, dad, and sister over dinner. Everyone started calling friends and family, and suddenly, with the news spreading like wildfire, it started feeling a little bit more real.
Then, yesterday, I went in for a screening designed to check for spina bifida, Down's syndrome, and a condition known as Trisomy-18. I told T he didn't need to take the time off work, because we had our regular prenatal appointment on Wednesday, and I thought it was going to be a pretty routine test. But the ultrasound to check for the baby's nuchal translucency (the thickness of a fold of skin at the back of the neck, used to diagnose Down's syndrome) was far more than I expected.
Right away, there was a little profile on the screen, looking exactly like a baby! All of my expectations for this came from movies -- mom and dad both look at the screen, holding hands, and then look at each other lovingly. But in all of those scenes, the baby is just sitting there. This little one was moving all over the place! It was kicking and wiggling around, responding to the push of the ultrasound probe. I could see tiny hands going up to the face, several times. At one point, it flipped over and turned its back to us, like it was tired of being bothered by the papparazzi. And while I was lying there, amazed that this little creature was actually inside of me, I didn't have anyone to give that long, significant look to. It was just me and the tech, who was very friendly, but was pretty matter-of-fact about the whole thing. She found the heartbeat right away, and for just a few seconds it filled the room. At the end she took a few pictures and handed them to me, and then we were done. Once she left, while I waited for the genetic counselor to come back in, I took a picture of the last frame that was showing on the screen with my phone, while trying to keep it together and not cry, and sent it to T at work. Based on the little blob just a few weeks before, I simply hadn't been prepared for that!
And then I got home, to the news that Kate was pregnant and in the hospital with a severe form of morning sickness. And there was that little bit of imaginary kinship again. I'm sorry that she got my morning sickness on top of her own, and I know that she is a few weeks behind me. But we'll be going through this pregnancy together. And hopefully she'll have that same sense of absolute wonder the first time she sees her little one dancing around inside her.
And now it's not just real that I'm pregnant, but it's becoming more real that I am having a baby. I know that sounds like the same thing, but there is a difference in focus -- as someone who is pregnant, the focus is on me. As someone having a baby, the focus is on it. And so last night we finally picked a nickname for this little one -- Peanut.
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| My cell phone pic -- Peanut's profile on the upper left |
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